This past week I came across a book called, “The Sociopath Next Door.” I know, it’s a terrifying thought! But the book begins saying:
“Imagine—if you can—not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken…” (Location 64)
The author Martha Stout, suggests 1 in 25 people have sociopathic tendencies! 1 in 25, that sounds really high!! A sociopath is deceitful and manipulative. They are impulsive, never thinking ahead. They are irritable and aggressive. They have a reckless disregard for others. They are consistently irresponsible. They lack remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person. (Location 143).
At the lowest point of his life, king David exhibited sociopathic behavior. But was king David a sociopath? And what about king Saul? If you’re a sociopath you’d be the last person to recognize it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t care! But I think the answer is no, king David was not a sociopath. The deeper truth is that David was a man living in a fallible, need-driven body. He was a man every bit as vulnerable to temptation as the next guy. Yet in his darkest moments he had the presence of mind to seek hard after God’s grace.
This morning I’ve chosen to call this message Gritty Desires… because for all out concern about the Saul’s and Goliaths and enemies we face “out there,” some of the greatest giants we face are actually within. Case in point. As a teenager David managed to defeat Goliath with a single decisive blow. Yet at thirty years of age (as he ascends to the throne in Israel) he’s unable to manage his inner man. Forget about giants. It’s our desires that most deeply test our grit, our faith, and endurance. We see it time and again. People who conquer the world yet get defeated from within. How does this happen?
In 2000, two Harvard professors wrote a compelling book called Leadership on the Line. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the most compelling book I’ve read on leadership and human nature (second only to the Bible itself). In one chapter, they talk about hungers that if not managed well, cause leaders to self-destruct. For example, …
(1) We all have a hunger for “affirmation and importance.” I mean here was David, a young boy, the youngest, the smallest, the least of his brothers, taken for granted, relegated to the sheep pasture, sentenced to obscurity with wild animals in the Judean wilderness. David was a teenage nobody. His brothers however, were warriors. David’s father Jesse, had put all his confidence in them, not David. There they were getting all the breaks, while David was being robbed of opportunity.
We all want to be seen, to be known, to be loved and admired. More than anything else we want to matter. But then David gets his break. God rejects Saul as king over Israel, and sends his prophet Samuel to anoint a new king. Jesse parades all of David’s older brothers before the prophet, but one by one their rejected.
Imagine the sense of vindication and joy David would have felt when he discovered God had chosen him (not his brothers) king! Imagine how affirming it would have been for David to be invited to play his harp and sing music in the presence of king Saul and his court. And if you think all that’s awesome, imagine the accolades David would have received sleighing Goliath! He accomplished a feat of war no other man in all Israel, not even king Saul, was willing to do! And how might David have felt returning home, seeing people dancing, hearing people “from all the towns of Israel” singing, “Saul has slain thousands; David his tens of thousands”
In 2 Samuel 5 the Elders come to David and anoint him king. They basically say to him David, even when Saul was king, we know it was you who really led Israel on all their military campaigns. We know that all along the Lord had said to you, “You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will be the ruler.” (2 Sam 5:2).
I think of Jesus. Throughout his life, his brothers egged him on to become a public figure. Jesus’ own mother pressures him. At thirty years of age, upon his baptism, the Devil takes Jesus to the pinnacle of the temple and tempts him, “throw yourself down and let the angels catch you.” What was the devil saying? Jesus, show your glory, make a statement, become an overnight sensation. Jesus recognized the danger immediately, “away from me Satan.” You’re never so vulnerable, and void of God’s presence, as when your full of self.
Satan has a way of hijacking our need for affirmation and importance. He has a way of elevating our sense of self-importance, grandiosity, and pride. By the time David is thirty years of age, he’s becoming more and more powerful. He takes up residence in a fortress. He names Jerusalem “the City of David.” He builds a magnificent palace of cedar for himself. Only afterwards does David realize, “Here I am living in a house of cedar while the ark of God remains in a tent.” (2 Samuel 7:2). His grandiosity has led him to elevate self above God.
(2) We have a hunger for Intimacy and Delight. The danger of grandiosity, is that we can develop a sense of entitlement, and complacency, and narcissism. Here is David, growing in popularity, growing in power, his enemies losing confidence. So the Bible tells us how “one spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent out Joab and the Kings men to war… but David remained in Jerusalem.” (2 Samuel 11:1). What is his attitude? I’ve done a lot of great things for the Lord. I’ve killed tens of thousands. I’ve earned this. Let others do battle. I’ll rest easy in my palace. He’s still in prime of life!!
One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he “saw” a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful. So what does he do? He “sends” someone to find out about the woman. Then he “sends” some men to get her. And as we know, he “sleeps” with Bathsheba, and she becomes pregnant, and sends word back to David, “I am pregnant.” (2 Sam 11:1-5)
What’s interesting about this story is that when David sends a man to find out about Bathsheba, he basically comes back and reports to David, “She’s a daughter… the daughter of Eliam… She’s a guy’s wife… the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” (2 Sam 11:3). None of this information deters David, he’s oblivious to the danger, to any negative ramifications.
That night David was after one of two things and wound up with neither. One possibility is that that David was seeking intimacy. This is one of the paradoxes of affirmation and praise. Sometimes the more praise you receive the emptier, and alone, you feel on the inside. No one was more known, and visible, in all the Kingdom than David. But perhaps David didn’t feel anyone real knew him, or saw him, or validated him. Perhaps he didn’t feel that sense of connection, closeness, that a deeper bond of affection with another. We’re terribly prone to temptation when alone. God wired us up to be with others… Had David gone to war, he wouldn’t have been vulnerable. But as it was, he was alone and idle, and searching rooftops for intimacy.
It’s also possible that David was seeking pleasure or delight. Maybe he didn’t care who this woman’s father, or husband was. We asked whether David was sociopathic. Well here is a moment where for pleasure, David exhibits no sense of guilt or shame, personal restraint, or moral sensitivity. He’s being self-centered and impulsive. He has no regard for Bathsheba, her father’s honor, her husband, her life, her dignity, the risk of pregnancy… damage to his reputation, his kingdom, God’s glory.
The reality is that true intimacy can only exist within the bond of loving, trusting, covenant relationships. David and Bathsheba may have slept together, but I doubt there was much intimacy. She would have been anxious and fearful, distrusting. David would have been selfish and demanding. And whatever momentary pleasure David thought he might gain from his escapade was not only fleeting, but would be followed by a lifetime of agony and sorrow.
By the way, there was a reason Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness—it’s because he knows were most vulnerable when were alone. And there was a reason Satan tempted Jesus saying, “turn these stones into bread.” It’s because Satan knows our hunger for intimacy and delight, physical pleasure, physical satisfaction, is insatiable! David’s hunger for affirmation/importance, for intimacy/delight, left him vulnerable and defeated.
(3) We have a hunger for power and control. I like the way the authors Donald Heifetz and Marty Linsky explain this hunger. One of the greatest compulsions we have is to be our own agency, to have the power and control to act in our self-interest and get results. Put yourself in David’s sandals. The trajectory of this man’s life was that he was growing more and more powerful. He graduated from killing bears and lions to giants to armies to conquering entire kingdoms. Nothing was too impossible for David. He had skills, abilities, the favor of God, wisdom, knowledge, expertise, strength, charm, courage. He was a bundle of confidence. He developed an air of invincibility.
No surprisingly, after David “saw” Bathsheba, “sent” for Bathsheba, “slept” with Bathsheba and she conceived… David attempted to “cover” his sin. Plan A: David tries to send Bathsheba’s husband home from the battle in the hope that he would make love to his wife, and wouldn’t have concern for the paternity of the baby. But Bathsheba’s husband is an honorable man, and he refuses to go home to his wife. After all, why should he go home and enjoy his while the ark, his commanding officer, and his fellow soldiers were camped in open country?
Plan B: David writes a letter to Uriah’s commander and orders him to put Uriah on the front lines where the fighting is fiercest, and have the men withdraw from Uriah, so he would be struck down and die. In this way, Uriah did indeed die!
But the headline here is that David’s grandiosity, (his hunger for affirmation and importance) caused him to lose touch with reality. David’s passions (his hunger for intimacy and delight and pleasure) blinded him to real danger. And David’s hunger for power and control caused him to escalate his sociopathic behavior even further to try to cover his sin. But it’s like they say… the cover up is often worse than the crime!
Perhaps you know the story of David and Bathsheba. Let me summarize it as simply as possible. David saw Bathsheba. David sent for Bathsheba. David slept with Bathsheba. David tried to cover his sin.
But that’s only half the story. God totally saw David’s sin. God sent Nathan the prophet to confront David. Then God pronounced calamity upon David. Though David had enjoyed peace, he’d be forced to endure one sleepless night after another. Not only would the sword never depart from David’s house, but David would be humiliated by the sexual sin of family members, just as he humiliated Uriah by sexually sinning against Uriah’s’ family. But even more tragically, the child David and Bathsheba conceived would not live.
Power and control is little more than an illusion. Jesus understood this. Remember, Satan took Jesus to a mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world, and promised Jesus, “all of this will be yours if you bow down and worship me.” At thirty years of age Jesus had presence of mind to say, “away from me Satan. It is written worship the Lord your God and serve him only.” “it is written, do not put the Lord your God to a test.” “it is written man shall not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” The Bible says “Jesus was tempted in every way and yet was without sin.”
Now maybe you know the rest of the story here. The reason we know David isn’t a sociopath is because the moment Nathan the prophet confronts him, and God pronounces his judgement on David, David cries out, “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Sam 12:13). This simple cry shifts the burden from David trying to cover his own sin… to letting God cover his sin. The moment David cries out Nathan says, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.”
I think of 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”
Now I want to stop this part of the story here, because there is still much more. Even with forgiveness, David would still have to reap what he has sown. Next week’s topic is Gritty Parenting, and how David navigated the fallout of his sexual sin. But let’s talk about path back to grace for a few moments…
PSALM 51 is the famous confession of David, after sin with Bathsheba…
1-Acknowledge grace is available (51:1-2). This can be hardest thing believe… but you must understand God’s grace is big enough cover our greatest sins.
2-Acknowledge grace is needed (51:3-9). A lifelong pattern, of succumbing to these hungers, has persisted from time of birth. God desires faithfulness… and found it is Christ Jesus his Son. It’s Christ’s blood that covers our sin. We can never cover our sin.
3-Invite God’s Spirit to Create, Renew, Purify, Sustain, Restore (51:10-12). In this life the desires of the flesh will always persist, threatening our joy. But God gives us his Spirit to arouse an even greater desires and affections, to worship God himself, to become like God himself. The Spirit produces righteousness…
4-Pay it Forward! Declare, Teach, Praise (51:13-19). Magnify God!
Psalm 51 is proof David is not a sociopath, but truly a man after God’s own heart…